


Balance

by vassalady



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-29 22:45:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3913462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vassalady/pseuds/vassalady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Steve are dating, although Sam feels Steve is distant, and Steve won't talk to him about it. When he receives an invitation to visit Peggy Carter, he finds out why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Balance

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lark-in-ink](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=lark-in-ink).



> This is for lark-in-ink for the Sam/Steve Exchange 2015! This is based on the prompt, "Steve having to sort out his feelings about Peggy in order to pursue a relationship with Sam. (Possibly, Peggy talking to Sam about it.)" I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Thank you to the mods of the Sam/Steve Exchange for all their hard work!

A handful of dates later, and Sam had kissed Steve maybe three times. Jokes aside about Steve’s age, he wasn’t some stodgy old man who disapproved of affection. Something was bothering Steve, and the infuriating part was he wouldn’t talk to Sam about it.

Sam spent a lot of time in front of his mirror covering various scenarios. “If you’re ace, and you don’t do the physical stuff, that’s okay, I’m cool,” he said to his reflection. “If you’re still unsure about your sexuality or how this is going to go down, let’s talk about it together, okay? If you just don’t like me, come on, just cut me fucking loose here.” Sam sighed and leaned against the sink. “Hell, Wilson, what are you even doing?”

The thing was Sam was half-scared the last one was the problem. 

\--

“The guy hasn’t been in a relationship since, what, the 40s? Wouldn’t know what he’s doing with a modern man like yourself,” Leila told him over the phone.

Sam snorted. He glanced behind him, making sure Steve wasn’t approaching. There latest lead hadn’t panned out, and Steve was getting them both some food before heading back to DC. “I don’t think that’s it.”

“Strip down and do a sexy dance for him?”

“Oh, I’m sure that would really get him to open up.”

“You got a cute butt, Sam, use it.”

Sam was thankful she couldn’t see the roll of his eyes. “Thanks, Leila, you’re a real big help.”

“So do I get that exclusive interview now?”

There was a commotion coming from the food court: Steve had been made. “That’s not my decision.”

He saved Steve from the small adoring mob that was forming, and they found a secluded place to eat as they waited for their plane. Steve was biting into an egg roll when Sam asked, “So I’m thinking we could have a nice movie date night? At home, could cook use a nice dinner.”

Steve smiled even as he glanced shyly away. “Sounds good.”

Although they did end up making out on the couch (and that was a surprise and real nice,) the night ended too early, and Steve closed off as he said goodnight.

\--

The phone call came from a Dr. Kincaid.

“I don’t usually do this,” Dr Kincaid told Sam, “but Ms. Carter is an old friend. She’s asking for you to visit.”

Sam couldn’t refuse.

He didn’t tell Steve about it. Instead, he went alone to the care facility, and the nurses let him in without question. As he approached her room, a young woman was just leaving. She looked at him in surprise, although Sam didn’t recognize her, but she only gave him a polite smile and moved on.

Peggy Carter, her face lined and her hands spotted, laid on her bed apparently asleep. The smell of roses wafter over Sam; there was a vase with several pink roses clustered together. They made his white carnations seem like a silly offering.

Her room was neat, if a little sparse. There were framed photos by her bedside. Pictures of children, grandchildren, friends. There was one faded and wrinkled photo of Steve, unmistakably, even though his shoulders were tiny. Sam set the flowers down next to the photos and picked up the one of Steve.

“Mmm…” Peggy shifted, and she woke slowly. She blinked up at Sam, eyes slowly focusing. “Who are you?” Her voice was quiet, but strong.

Sam hastily set the photo down. “Ah, Sam Wilson. You asked to see me? I’m… a friend of Steve’s.”

She stared at him for a moment, and then realization crossed her face. She smiled, warmly. “Steve talks about you a lot, you know.”

“Does he?” Sam pulled up the chair by her bedside and sat down. “Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? Steve?”

Peggy said, “Yes,” but she drew the word out, as if she was unsure. She turned to look up at the ceiling, letting out a sigh. “I’m old.”

“Looking pretty good still, I’d say.”

She snorted, and Sam could see the woman she once was in her prime, fierce, passionate, and exactly the kind of woman Steve would fall head over heels for. She shook her head lightly. “He’s so young. It’s not been long for him.”

Sam waited for her to continue. She didn’t say anything for several long moments, lost in her own thoughts. But eventually, she met Sam’s eyes. “I never told him that, after… well… I had my own lady friend.”

Sam rose an eyebrow. He glanced to the family photos. There were several of a man clearly her husband.

Peggy followed his gaze and smiled fondly. “We didn’t work out at first. I met him, and i loved him. Then, after his death, we… reconnected. She was a famous star by then, you know.”

“You loved her?”

Peggy looked amused by the question. “I loved them all. Different points in my very, very long life.”

She fell quiet for a moment. Sam could only imagine the kind of life she had led. It was one he could only hope to live up to in his own.

“Steve doesn’t know how to move on. I’ve told him, but he’s so… stubborn sometimes.”

Sam couldn’t help his laugh. “That he is.”

Peggy looked at Sam for a long, considering moment. “He’ll get there,” she said at last. “I’ll stop being that young girl in red to him one day.”

Sam placed his hand over hers where it rested on top of the sheets. He squeezed very gently as said, “You’ll always be that girl to him.” No matter what, Peggy would always hold a place in Steve’s heart. Sam didn’t want him to lose that, nor did he want to replace it.

Peggy hummed, although in agreement or disagreement, Sam couldn’t tell. “He has you now. He’ll see that.”

The nurse came in with Peggy’s lunch, and Sam took his leave. 

Steve was waiting at the entrance, hands stuck casually in his pockets as he leaned against the brick wall.”You’ve been here long?” Sam asked.

“Sharon called me,” Steve said. That explained who the young woman was.

“Ah.” Sam scratched the back of his head, avoiding Steve’s eye. When he finally looked up at Steve again, Steve wore a soft, open smile.

“I think we should probably talk, huh?” Steve said.

“That’s all I’ve wanted for a long time.”

Sam beat Steve back to Sam’s house. He waited at the door as Steve pulled in on his bike and hooked his helmet around the handle. Inside, Sam poured them both some ice tea, and they sat down in his living room, Steve on the couch, Sam on the armchair.

Steve fiddled with his glass instead of drinking it. The ice in it clinked softly against the sides. Summer was wearing on, although the weather had yet to cool, but the air conditioning kept the worst of the heat at bay. Steve still toyed with his glass as he said, “I haven’t been quite fair to you.”

“Hey, I don’t want to rush you or pressure you into anything,” Sam said. He left his own glass untouched on the coffee table. “Just let me know, and I’ll respect that.”

“No, I mean-” Steve sighed and shook his head. He met Sam’s gaze, and there was something in his expression that made a small heat in Sam’s belly curl and twist. “I want to touch you and kiss you and do more and just-” Steve broke away, biting his lip. “But I thought… I imagined what it’d be like after the war. I’d take Peggy out, we’d go to the pictures and to dance halls. We’d get a nice place, I had enough saved from bonds tour, one with a phone for our floor. Maybe I could find some illustration work. And, I don’t know, we’d maybe even have a family.”

“I get it-”

“Please,” Steve said, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be saying all of this, but… I’ll always love her. And I’ll always wonder what might have been.” Steve met Sam’s eye again. “You deserve more than that.”

Sam shook his head in disbelief. “You think I haven’t had a go around or two, Rogers? Look, Peggy is one hell of a lady, and I think I’d be dating the wrong guy if you did just forget about her like that.” That got Steve to smile. “I told you, we go as slow as you need to.”

Steve’s smile was warm, genuine, and made Sam’s heart ache. Steve looked ruefully at his hands with an unhappy chuckle. “She’s had a life, and here I am still… I wake up some mornings expecting all this,” he raised his hands, “to have been a dream.”

Although Sam had heard similar words time and time again, Steve wasn’t one of his vets. This was different, and Sam didn’t have any words to say. There was a brief moment of hurt, the thought that maybe Steve wanted this all to be a dream, but Sam squashed that feeling as soon as it appeared. Hell, Sam could understand that. There were times he wished things were different. But there was little use dwelling on that, so Sam didn’t. 

If Steve really did wish this was all a dream? Well, Sam could only hope that his presence made it just a little better that it wasn’t.

“I miss her, and she’s here, but it’s all wrong,” Steve continued.

“A nightmare?” Sam asked quietly.

Steve looked at him thoughtfully for a long moment. “No,” he said at last. He set down his glass and rubbed the back of his neck. He met Sam’s eye. “I’m always going to love her, Sam.”

Sam chuckled. “You don’t have to explain that to me.”

“And I don’t want to go slow.” Steve held Sam’s gaze, and that hot feeling coiled low in Sam’s belly again. “Every time I see you, I want to kiss you until you can’t breathe, push you against the wall, touch you…”

Sam tried to say something, but his throat was too dry. He left his drink where it was, though, and swallowed hard to find his voice. “Why don’t you?”

Steve kept his gaze steady on Sam. “Because I needed permission.”

“Hers or mine?”

That hot coil became full blown arousal. His pants felt tight as Steve said, “Both.”

Their drinks remained forgotten in the living room. They took to the bedroom, hands on each other, clumsily undoing clothes and bumping into walls, because they couldn’t stop touching one another long enough to pay attention to where they were going.

They fell on the bed together, and suddenly, they slowed. Steve ran his fingers along Sam’s clavicle slowly. He bit lightly at his lower lip as his eyes followed his hands.

Sam rubbed his thumb at the base of Steve’s neck. “You want to do this?”

“It’s… been awhile,” Steve admitted with a self-deprecating smile. “But yeah. I do.”

They kissed for a long time. Sam wanted to run his hands down Steve’s torso, but he satisfied himself by gently massaging the back of Steve’s neck. Steve moaned against Sam, pulling Sam in closer with his hands on either side of Sam’s face.

“This is real nice,” Sam murmured against Steve’s cheek.

“Yeah.” Steve brought their foreheads together. His fingers traced imaginary designs onto the back of Sam’s head.

Then, Steve took one of Sam’s hands and brought it down to his groin. “Please, Sam,” he said in a breathy whisper.

They jerked each other off, and then they laid together, legs entwined.

“We should clean off,” Sam said, with no intention of moving yet.

“Later,” Steve said with a happy sigh. He pressed his lips gently against Sam’s cheek.

“Oh, so we’re back to just the cheek, huh? Well, if that’s all you want...”

Steve laughed and pulled Sam in for a proper kiss.

“You know,” Steve said, “Peggy guessed it before I told her. About how I felt about you.”

“Peggy’s a pretty fantastic lady.”

Steve grinned and in an exaggerated voice, he said, “Well, you’re a pretty swell fella.”

“You, too.” 

Steve’s face slowly colored red, and he buried his face into Sam’s shoulder laughing. “Damn,” he said. “I think I love you, Sam Wilson.”

“You _think_? Well, I think that maybe I think I love you back.” He brought Steve’s face up to his, lips just an inch away. “But talk to me in the future, okay?”

“Yeah.” Steve closed the distance.

They finally ended up in the shower, and they did really only clean off. But Sam was fine with the slow pace. He didn't need to throw Steve across the bed and take him. All of this had been perfect.

Sam felt lighter than he had in a long time.


End file.
